How To: SasuNaru
by just-another-generic-emo-kid
Summary: A must have guide for all adorably dysfunctional couples. Rated M for later chapters. SasuNaru.
1. How To: Kiss

The first installment of my How To series. I don't know how long it will be. And each can be read as a oneshot or all together as a story. Whatever.

How To: Kiss

Accidental:

Naruto and Sasuke are only twelve and it's a complete accident. However it became known as 'The Kiss' with capital letters and everything. Naruto had simply been glaring at Sasuke and then that stupid kid moved his arm and BAM! Sasunaru was born. However, Sasuke and Naruto, after breaking apart, had proceeded to gag.

Chaste:

It was right after the fight with Haku and Zabuza. Well, not _right_ after but on their way back to Konoha. They were gathering wood for the fire, Sakura was setting up their makeshift camp, and they were just basking in their successful mission. Sasuke had turned around and came face to face (well, nose to chin) with Naruto. And he just leaned down and. It was only a simple brush of lips. Dry and warm and comforting. Just ensuring that they were both still alive.

Angry:

During the Chuunin exams, well, before really, it happened. It was after Naruto had shouted in front of the entire room of participants and basically humiliated Konoha. Sasuke had made some comment or other about what a dobe Naruto was. And Naruto, being Naruto, reacted of course. He shouted, more, about temes and bastards and cold pricks. Sasuke swears Naruto threw the first punch but Naruto firmly maintains that Sasuke did. And well, they ended up all-out wrestling, rolling around on the floor, each attempting to come out on top. And Naruto lost his balance and fell down, his face stopping not and inch from Sasuke's. Sasuke just breathed 'dobe' and then kissed him roughly. After they picked themselves up off the floor and righted their clothes, they never mentioned it again (sort of).

Apologetic:

When Naruto came to retrieve Sasuke in the Valley of the End, and Sasuke attempted to kill Naruto. Naruto had passed out, well mostly. And he was just barely clinging to consciousness when Sasuke's lip descended upon his. It was upside down and wet and Sasuke lips were chapped and Naruto's were too cold. And it was perfect. The kiss was soft and gentle and completely contradicted the former fight the two had had. And it explained everything but left so many things unexplained and Naruto just let go when Sasuke retreated again. And the blackness came and it rained harder than before.

I Missed You:

When Sasuke returned from Orochimaru, and confronted Naruto while he was on a mission with Sai and Sakura it was the most terrible and beautiful thing either of the two had ever seen. Sasuke's eyes held fire and unfamiliarity and coldness, and yet, there was a spark of remorse and familiarity hidden in the dark depths. Naruto's own, blue, eyes communicated blankness and shock but just a little bit of happiness. And when Sai and Sakura weren't paying attention, Sasuke stole Naruto's lips in a kiss, that was rough but sweet and just like coming home.

I Love You:

After Sasuke was accepted back into the village and Naruto had become the Rokudaime, Hokage of Konoha, the two decided to admit the connection that had always been there but had rarely been acknowledged. But now, it wasn't unusual to see the two together, closer than was necessary for two friends or two ninja. And sometimes, when they were together, you could see a slight smile on Sasuke's face or true love in Naruto's eyes. Though, one rarely ever saw the two kiss. But if anyone happened to see it, they would have stood in awe of the complete raw need and love and want and just. It was a sight to see and few ever did see it. Their kisses were personal and Sasuke intended to keep it that way. They were kisses that obviously belonged between two people who were deeply connected. The kisses were truly the epitome of love.


	2. How To: Live With A Dobe

How To: Live With A Dobe

Sasuke sighed. Naruto was late. Again.

Sasuke really has no reason to be surprised. The dobe is never on time. Whereas Sasuke gives new meaning to the word punctual.

But all of Konoha had thought that Naruto could at least be on time for his wedding. Well- now they know better. Naruto is utterly incapable of being on time unless someone is there to put a foot in his ass to get him to move. Which is why Sasuke recruited Sakura and Ino to drag his punctuality challenged fiancé to the church

A door slam could be heard in the front of the church. Then a cry that unmistakably Naruto's yell, "Sakura-chan, I think Sasuke-teme can wait five more minutes if he's waited this long! Why am I rushing for the bastard- Ow! Ino, you didn't have to hit me!"

Sasuke sighed again.

It was Naruto's night to prepare dinner. And he was preparing instant ramen; as usual. Well, there was also a salad. So, at least Sasuke had some edible food.

Then the fire alarm went off. Sasuke rushed into the kitchen. It wouldn't do to have his little kitsune hurt.

When Sasuke entered the kitchen he saw Naruto holding what looked to be a charred bit of lettuce.

"Do I want to know what happened?" Sasuke asked the blond.

"Probably not. But at least we still have the ramen!" Naruto grinned.

Had he not been an Uchiha, Sasuke would have sweatdropped.

Sasuke was waiting with the rest of the jounins that would be taking on a team of genins this year. Everyone was already there and had been for some time. Well, except Naruto. And Tsunade said that had t wait for the dobe.

"Sasuke, why didn't you wake Naruto up before coming here?" Sakura asked.

"Hn. I did."Sasuke grunted. Where was the idiot?

"Uchiha, why didn't you bring Naruto with you?" Neji asked him.

Sasuke just glared. Apparently none of these people had ever tried to wake Naruto up before.

Just then, the door to the room opened and Naruto tripped into the room.

"Hey everyone! I'm not that late am I?" Naruto smiled and scratched the back of his head.

"Dobe." Sasuke grumbled.

Naruto was crouched in a tree near his students. Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon were sitting on the same bridge that Team Seven used to occupy. They too were waiting for their sensei like Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura used to wait for Kakashi.

Sasuke, whose own team was weeding some old lady's garden, appeared behind Naruto.

Noticing the tense set of his lover's shoulders, Sasuke smirked. He came up close behind Naruto, suppressing his chakra so as to not be detected, and whispered," Boo."

When Naruto fell out of the tree, screaming, and scaring the three pre-teens, Sasuke almost laughed. Almost.

There was paint everywhere. _Except_ on the walls. And not only was it _not_ light blue or white, like Sasuke had requested. No, there was hot pink, lime green and neon orange splattered all over the furniture, windows and carpeting. Not to mention both Sasuke and Naruto.

But, Sasuke conceded, the way the paint made Naruto's clothes cling to his lithe frame was really sexy. And, hey, they Naruto hadn't attempted to paint the bedroom yet. So…

"Hn. Dobe." Sasuke muttered, dragging Naruto toward the bedroom where the bed was not covered in garish paint.

Sasuke was totally not blushing. He was much too pale and emotionless and awesome to blush. But, Naruto, dressed like that was kind of…um, distracting and sexy and a lot little arousing.

"Naruto, you do realize that we don't celebrate Halloween, right?" Sasuke asked.

"But, teme, I look pretty and I wanna. Will you buy me candy?" Naruto smiled, adjusting the very short maid's outfit. Oh, yes, the dobe had managed to get a maid outfit that only _just_ covered his ass. The outfit was complete with thigh-high fishnet stockings and a frilly little hat. And, Kami, was Naruto wearing lip gloss?

"Teme! Put me down! Argh! Sas-mpphh!" Naruto was effectively shut up when they reached the bedroom and he was thrown onto the bed and then one Uchiha Sasuke's lips crashed onto his.

A/N: Okay, that was the second part of the How To: SasuNaru series. Hope y'all liked it. Happy Thanksgiving!


	3. How To: Use Cheesy PickUp Lines

How To: Use A Pick-Up Line

1.

Sasuke yawned slightly. The sun slanting in through the window had woken him up. He turned over and blearily looked at the body sleeping next to him. Well, at least, he looked at where Naruto _should_ have been. But, when is Naruto ever where he's supposed to be?

Sasuke pulled himself out of bed and threw on a pair of pajama pants before continuing out to the living room of his apartment. The living room was also dobe-less.

Just then, a sweet smell hit Sasuke's nose. Someone was making breakfast. That someone was probably Naruto. Or, it had better be, or things were about to get very awkward.

"Naruto?" Sasuke called as he entered the kitchen."Dobe?"

"Ne, Sasuke, shut up." Naruto said before turning around.

Sasuke looked up and decided that maybe he should shut up. Naruto was clad in a tight leather pants and a mesh shirt. He had lightly traced eyeliner around his eyes and shit, _lip gloss_.

Naruto pouted slightly," I was gonna surprise you, teme!"

Screw being quiet, there was only one things that Sasuke could say to that.

"Naru-chan, did you clean your pants with Windex?" Sasuke smirked while Naruto frowned a bit," Because I can just see myself in them."

Naruto rolled his eyes and threw a plate at Sasuke. Obviously, Sasuke caught it.

2.

Naruto and Sasuke had been training for the last seven hours. Well, they had taken a break in the middle of it to fuck, but mostly, it had been training.

Well, that had been three hours ago and Sasuke was horny again. What? It had been three hours and he had been in close, very close, quarters with Naruto (who, as we all know, is very sexy) but had not been able to molest him during that time.

"Sasuke-teme, I'm tired. Let's call it quits." Naruto whined.

"Hn. Naruto, you must be tired." Sasuke paused.

"Why do they call you a genius again?" Naruto muttered to himself. Sasuke was just going to ignore that in favor of hot man-sex.

"Because you have been running through my mind all day." Sasuke finished.

Apparently Naruto was completely wiped out, because he had more than enough strength to kick Sasuke in the balls. A very hard ninja kick.

"Damn it."

3.

Naruto sat happily slurping his ramen. Then a thought occurred to him. He turned to Sasuke, who he had dragged to Ichiraku with him.

"Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"I have something to tell you." Naruto whispered conspiratorially.

"Okay…?" Sasuke trailed off.

"Yeah! Honey, you must be a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, because; MmMmm good! Oh, the possibilities." Naruto exclaimed, earning a strange look from the old ramen stand owner.

"Naruto, I can think of something better you could be doing with your mouth." Sasuke was definitely smirking.

"Like, eating ramen?" Naruto grinned and began slurping happily again.

"Even better."

4.

He was bent over his backpack when something touched his ass. Naruto yelped and jumped backwards, knocking over the pervert.

Well…he knocked over Sasuke. Same difference.

"Is that seat taken?" Sasuke asked gesturing towards Naruto slightly sore ass.

"It was going to be, but not anymore." Naruto said before walking away from Sasuke.

"But I'm horny!" Sasuke whined.

Somewhere, a thousand Uchiha fangirls squealed.

5.

God, Naruto looked completely fucked-out. Which, he was. Panting and sweating, coming down from his orgasm with his ass tingling, pleasantly sore and well-fucked.

"So." Sasuke said, staring at the blond wet-dream lying next to him.

"Yeah?" Naruto said, albeit a little breathlessly.

"Hn." Sasuke murmured, turning over so he could whisper in the Kyuubi-vessel's ear," You must be a Snickers bar, because you satisfy me."

Sasuke received a pillow in the face for that one.

6.

"Hey! Hey! Sasuke! Teme!" Naruto called, racing after the stoic Uchiha.

"What Naruto?"

"Kiba taught me a math problem!" Naruto exclaimed. And with his cheeks flushed like that and his eyes sparkling with excitement, how could Sasuke not stop and listen, and stare.

"Oh?"

"Yep! Listen, okay? Good." Naruto drew out a kunai and bent down to trace the problem in the dirt.

_U+I 69_

"See bastard? You plus I equals sixty-nine." Naruto nodded, hiding a slight smirk with a brilliant grin. "Sasuke?"

The Uchiha just pushed the kitsune into the nearest shaded alley.


	4. How To: Answer The Question 'Why'

How To: Answer the Question 'Why?'

"Sasuke, why won't Sakura-chan accept my offers?" A downtrodden Naruto asked after Sakura turned Naruto down…again.

"Hn, because you're a dead-last, Naruto." Sasuke grunted.

"Teme!"

--

"Why are you doing that?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto, who had been standing still, staring at a wall for the last hour, responded," Iruka told me to."

"Do I want to know why?" Sasuke asked.

"Um, I _may _have cursed in front of a bunch of _very_ young academy students." Naruto mumbled, kicking at the dirt.

"…"

"…"

"C'mon, I'll buy you some ramen." Sasuke muttered, walking away without waiting to see if the blond would follow.

--

"Naruto! Why is the apartment orange?" Sasuke sort of, kind of, maybe yelled.

"Because the white was boring." Naruto answered, coming out of the kitchen.

"Why orange though?"

"The bedroom is blue."

Sasuke just shook his head and went to make dinner. Naruto shrugged.

--

The room was filled with moans and soft screams. The headboard hitting the wall in tandem with the sound of skin slapping skin.

"Ah, ah, ah, S-Sasuke." Naruto mumbled into the brunette's mouth.

Sasuke pulled out of Naruto's clenching hole.

"Sasuke, why are you-?"

Naruto was cut off when he was flipped over onto his hands and knees and Sasuke began fucking him even harder.

--

"Naruto, why is the dinner on fire?" Sasuke asked calmly.

"Because someone wanted a blowjob." Naruto deadpanned.

"Ah, okay, I'll go get some ramen?" Sasuke said, already halfway out the door.

"Uh-huh."

--

"Sasuke?" Naruto whispered, looking up at his lover." Sasuke, are you awake?"

"Yeah, what Naruto?"

"Why do you love me?" Naruto asked. He wasn't suspicious sounding or said or angry. Just innocently curious.

"Because you're an idiot." Sasuke said. Then he gave Naruto a gentle kiss.

Naruto snuggled further into Sasuke's side, "Oh."


	5. How To: PDA

How To: PDA

1.

"Hey! Stop it you idiots," Sakura screeched," We're in the middle of a mission. Wait until you get home to do that!"

Naruto and Sasuke ignored their pink-haired teammate and continued to play tonsil hockey.

"Guys," okay, maybe Sakura was kind of whining a little but, her eyes were kind of burning a lot," please stop?"

Naruto moaned as Sasuke slammed him into a nearby tree and began to pull of his jacket. Okay, that didn't work at all.

"Oh, no! There are a bunch of enemy ninjas surrounding us! Help!"

Alright, even Sakura has to admit, that was pretty weak. Apparently they thought so to because Sakura wasn't sure where Naruto's left hand was though she had a feeling she didn't want to know.

"Ok, I'm gonna go and spork my eyes out now. I hope you're happy," Sakura pouted a little.

They were still ignoring her! And she had threatened to harm herself! Some teammates!

She marched over to the two shinobi and slammed their already very close heads together. The crack their skulls made was very comforting to the kunoichi.

"Hey! Sakura, what was that for?" Naruto shouted.

"That was very unprofessional, Sakura, we are on a mission." Sasuke said, wrapping his arms around Naruto's waist. He nipped at the blonde's earlobe playfully. Naruto nodded his agreement. Sakura sweatdropped.

2.

A moan could be heard from that building. But no one dared to go in there. Especially Iruka, who was standing outside it, just waiting for who ever was in there to hurry up and finish.

"Yo."

"Ah! Oh, Kakashi, it's just you," Iruka sighed as he was broken from his horrific trance.

A pleasured scream could be heard.

"What are you waiting for?" Kakashi said, ignoring the scream.

"For who ever is in there to finish up." Iruka sighed again.

"Oh, hang on." Then Kakashi walked into the bath house.

Iruka didn't know what went on in there, but a few minutes later, Kakashi came back out followed by a sheepish Naruto and a lightly blushing Sasuke.

"And you really shouldn't do it in public, Naruto is really loud." Kakashi finished telling them.

Sasuke smirked smugly. Naruto blushed deep red.

"You can go into the bath house now, Iruka-sensei." Naruto muttered before walking off, dragging Sasuke.

"I'm not sure I want to now." Iruka grumbled.

"Well, it's empty…as in no one is in there…as in we would be alone." Kakashi grinned, his visible eye curving upward.

"Shut up," the Academy teacher murmured, but allowed himself to be dragged in by his perverted lover.

3.

"Oi, you two can't do that here!" the ramen guy yelled.

Sasuke ignored him and proceeded to shove his other hand down Naruto pants as well.

"Ugh, get out, get out!"

He was answered with a deep moan.

4.

All of the ANBU were in the fifth Hokage's office. And all of the were alert, silent and intent on the briefing of their latest missions.

"The scroll is located in the Village-"

A quiet giggle had cut Tsunade off. She took another sip of her sake.

"As I was saying, the scroll is currently in possession of-"

This time it was a needy whimper.

"Okay, who the hell is talking," Tsunade said, standing up.

All of the ANBU turned to look behind them then cleared a circle around the two ninjas in question. One had a snake mask, the other a fox.

"Naruto, Uchiha! How many times have I told you not to trade handjobs during a mission briefing?" Tsunade screamed, enraged.

The two shinobi looked at her, and then Naruto giggled again.

You could almost hear the grins of the other ANBU.


	6. How To: Instigate Foreplay

How To: Instigate Foreplay

1.

Naruto and Sasuke were sparring, as usual.

Kick, dodge, punch, block, punch, punch, jutsus, kick, sidestep, flip, hit, hit, and he goes down. Chidori, Rasengan.

And three hours later, Sasuke has Naruto pinned against a tree. They are no longer fighting with harsh words and taunts and punches. Now, they're lips and smashed together, bruising and punishing, neither giving any but taking more and more. It's a battle of tongues and wills and wit. Sasuke's hips and roughly grinding against Naruto's. Growls and groans could clearly be heard, well, that is they would be heard if anyone were to walk by the training grounds. But no one does, at least not this part. Everyone knows that this is NarutoandSasuke's (one words, one entity) territory.

And five minutes later, the hands that had been smashing into each other twenty minutes ago, the hands that had gruffly been groping each other four minutes ago, are loosely entwined on either side of the blonde's head. The kisses have become slower and more loving. And almost-apology (if there was such a thing between the two, alas, this is as close as it gets). Tongues caressing, moans and quiet gasps and the shorter boy submits to the taller, darker Uchiha. And as clothes are shed, neither remembers when the fighting went from sparring to battling to near-rape and then to just kissing.

2.

"Sasuke, let's go see Sakura-chan."

"…"

"C'mon teme."

"Hn."

"Hey, bastard! Let's go!"

"Dobe, we're not going any where."

"Why not?"

"Hn."

"Okay, fine if you don't wanna come, I'll go on my own.

The blonde is quickly slammed against the door and the raven haired boy stops millimeters away from his face. Lips almost touching, but not really.

Two nearly identical smirks. And then silence, only not really. There's just no words used. Well, other than unrelated, irrelevant, incoherent moans and screams.

3.

"Dobe, what are you doing?" Sasuke asked his lover.

"Eating ice cream, teme."

"Hn, whatever."

Naruto's tongue trails over the mound of vanilla ice cream. Then wraps his lips around the cone and slurps lightly. Then he pulls it out and laps and the tip of it. When the ice cream is no longer whole but just a few drops at the bottom of a soggy cone, the blonde uses his tongue to slurp on the last dregs.

Tossing the cone away, he pulls a blow-pop out of one of the Jounin vest's inner pockets.

"Dobe…"

"Hm?" Naruto innocently, too innocently, licks the tip over the lollipop.

Sasuke drag the demo-vessel to an alley where Naruto then sucks on something much more appetizing. And the filling is much better too.

4.

"Hey Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouts when he sees his old teammate. He pulls his hand from where it was twined with Sasuke and runs up to properly greet the pink-haired kunoichi.

"Uh, hey Naruto, Sasuke-kun," Sakura nods to each of them in turn.

"Sakura, you look really pretty today, did you get a new haircut?" Naruto enquires.

Sakura smiles brightly," Yeah, I did! Thanks for noticing, Ino hasn't said anything about it yet."

"Oh, well it's really nice, and are you on a diet or something? You look very thin, well thinner than usual anyway!" Naruto says, smiling. Sasuke scowls in the background.

Sakura grins," Yeah, well maybe it the dress, it's new."

"Maybe that's it," Naruto concedes, nodding.

"Dobe, we're going home," Sasuke says, wrapping his arms (protectively, though he'll deny it even under torture and threat of death) around the blonde boy.

A smirk flickers onto Naruto's face for a split second, Sakura barely catches it, but it was definitely there. Then, Naruto is pouting and whining," But Sasuke, I was gonna ask Sakura to come to lunch with us."

"Home," Sasuke says, scarily calm. His hand grasps Naruto's ass and the Kyuubi-container squeaks shrilly." Now."

"B-bye Sakura-ch-chan," Naruto manages to get out. And Sakura may be a bit ditzy at times, but she isn't blind; she clearly saw Sasuke groping Naruto.

"Bye Naruto."

--

A/N: If you have a request as to what my next How To: SasuNaru ficlet should be, PM me or leave a review with your idea. I will credit you!


	7. How To: Apologize

How To: Apologize

(Credit for this goes to Black-Dranzer-1119)

1.

Naruto was sitting at the kitchen table with Hinata, Ino and Sakura. All four of them were hunched over the table, rifling through a book or magazine.

Hinata leaned toward the blond-haired shinobi just as the Uchiha came entered the kitchen. Before Hinata could do whatever she was planning, Sasuke was between them.

"He. Is. Mine." Sasuke growled, pushing the Hyuga back.

"Teme! What are you doing?" Naruto shouted, shoving the Sharingan-user away from him.

"She was too close to you."

"Bastard, we were just going over flower arrangements for the wedding!"

"…"

"I'll be right back," Naruto said to the three kunoichi. Then, he grabbed the Uchiha and dragged him up the stairs of the mansion.

As the shouting started, Sakura frowned. Ino just shuffled through more magazines. Hinata stood up and went over to the refrigerator, taking out a plate of brownies.

"Do you think we'll ever decide on a flower arrangement?" Sakura asked the other two.

The shouts turned to silence for a few seconds. Then pleasured moans could be heard.

"Hmph, not today," Hinata said, poking at the brownies.

"Stupid Uchiha libido," Ino mumbled.

"It's probably more just stupid Uchiha," Sakura sighed.

2.

Sasuke slammed through the front door. It was the nineteenth time tonight that he had been sent out for food.

"'Suke, is that you?" Naruto called."Did you get the ramen?"

The Uchiha nodded as he entered the living room.

"Did you get ice cream?"

"Hn." Another nod.

"Vanilla?" Naruto asked.

"Y-you said you wanted chocolate," Sasuke deadpanned.

"But you know I love vanilla!" Naruto said. Tears began to well up in his eyes." Don't you know anything about me?"

"I'm sorry, Naruto." Sasuke said. He leaned down a placed a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips; his hand resting on the softly rounded belly protruding from the orange shirt.

3.

Naruto stomped into their bedroom. He huffed and began stripping down to his boxers.

'_Eh, I don't even know what I did this time. __Hn, dobe.'_Sasuke thought to himself.

The Uchiha grabbed his pillow and said," I'll sleep on the couch tonight?" It was sort of a question.

Naruto nodded and grunted," Damn right you will."

4.

Naruto arrived at Sakura's doorstep at eleven at night.

"Naruto, what are you doing here? You do know it's late, don't you?" Sakura said yawning and rubbing her eyes. Then she noticed the red-rimmed, puffy eyes." Naruto, what's the matter?"

"The b-bastard forgot." Naruto mumbled.

"Come in and we can talk about it."

Ten minutes later Sakura and Naruto were settled at the kitchen table with a pot of tea boiling on the stove.

"What did Sasuke forget, Naruto?" Sakura asked.

"Our a-anniversary," The blonde muttered.

"Oh." Sakura stated. Inner Sakura was planning the various ways she would hurt the Uchiha for hurting the blonde that was like a little brother to her. Never mind what Tsunade, Hinata and Iruka would do when they found out. And Sakura shivered at the thought of Neji or Gaara finding out. Oh, Sasuke was in trouble.

"Well, Naruto, you can spend-"Sakura was cut off by a rough knocking at her door." I'll be right back, Naruto."

Sakura made her way to the front door. When she opened it, she found Sasuke standing there, looking genuinely worried. She glared, but he pushed past her and nearly ran toward the kitchen.

When Sakura arrived back in the kitchen, Sasuke had Naruto pinned to a nearby wall and they were kissing fiercely. It was more a fight than anything else.

"Um?" Sakura murmured.

Both shinobi straightened up and walked out of the Haruno household, albeit hand in hand.

---

A/N: The only reason I didn't update sooner is because I have been really sick. Hell, I still am. Oh, and since it is winter, expect it to happen a lot. Yes, I a very ill person. But, incoherent as I am, I got it out! So worship me! And Black-Dranzer-1119!


	8. How To: Get Sick

How To: Get Sick

1.

Naruto coughed into the sleeve of his arm. His hair was limp and his skin clammy and pallid. His normally bright blue eyes were blood shot and dull. He licked his cracked lips and sneezed.

"Dobe, what happened to you?" Sasuke asked as his teammate came up to the bridge that was Team 7's meeting place.

Naruto barely spared a glance toward the Uchiha as he slumped against the rail of the bridge.

"Naruto, you don't look so good. Maybe you should take today off and get some sleep," Sakura said, genuinely concerned for the blonde's health.

"I'm fine, guys. I won't be able to sleep anyways, couldn't last night," Naruto mumbled, ending in a coughing fit.

"C'mon dobe, I'll take you back home," Sasuke said helping Naruto up.

Sakura watched as the two walked in the direction of the Naruto's house. Why would Sasuke want to help Naruto?

--

The next day, Naruto and Sasuke came to the bridge together. Sasuke had never returned the day before, so when Kakashi had finally showed up and only a third of his team was there, he had cancelled training.

Naruto looked notably better; he even had some color back in his cheeks. Sasuke, on the other hand, had the beginnings of an awful cough.

2.

Sasuke looked up from where he had Naruto pinned against a tree. The two shinobi were in the middle of um, 'sparring'. As far as Kakashi knew, anyway.

"Teme, what are you doing?" Naruto groaned, opening his eyes.

"I thought I just felt…never mind," Sasuke muttered and placed his lips back on top of Naruto's.

Ten minutes later, the two boys were completely soaked. And they were sure to have a terrible cold the next day.

Stupid rain came out of nowhere too.

3.

Naruto had strep throat. That's what Tsunade had said. So, when Naruto had to stumble out of his bedroom because someone was knocking on his door, he was disgruntled to say the least.

He opened the door and leaning against the doorway in a valiant effort to stay upright. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"I brought ice cream," And that's all Sasuke had to say, apparently because Naruto dragged him into the house.

Sasuke put the container on the kitchen table and went to get a spoon. The blonde plopped into the chair in front of the cold dessert.

"Here, dobe," Sasuke said, handing Naruto the spoon.

Naruto began eating the ice cream with vigor, well, as much as he could muster when both his head and throat were attempting to murder him.

He took the last spoonful of the sweet ice cream and shoved it into Sasuke's mouth.

Sasuke's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open, letting the spoon clatter to the ground.

"Idiot! Now I'm gonna be sick too," Sasuke **did not** whine.

"Huh?" Naruto said. Seeing as the blonde was obviously way out of it, Sasuke decided not to hold it against him, yet.

That was why nobody was surprised when Sasuke didn't show up to train the next day. That's also why Tsunade put a 'quarantine' sign up on Naruto's front door. Couldn't allow any other ninjas to get sick, right?


	9. How To: Travel Together

A/N: Okay. Credit for this goes to kendonall. So…go bow down to her. XD

How To: Travel Together

1.

"Kakashi-sensei! They're doing it _again_," Sakura whined, thoroughly exasperated.

The copy-nin flipped a page in his book and said," What exactly are they do-"

"Take that back, teme!"

"Hn, dobe."

Sakura sighed, Kakashi grinned, even though no one could tell.

"Bastard, come back here!" Naruto shouted as Sasuke began to walk away.

"Idiot, shut up! You're making a scene," Sakura said, smacking Naruto around the head.

Naruto leaned against a tree in the forest that Team 7 was currently walking through. Letting his backpack slump to the ground, the blonde pouted," What's the matter bastard, to afraid to face me?"

Sasuke had Naruto pinned to the tree not a second later. Naruto looked up, yes, **up,** damn it, and glared at Sasuke. Sasuke stared back also glaring, but there was a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. Then, he brushed his mouth against the blonde's. This seemed to set off many reactions; Naruto shoving his tongue down Sasuke's throat being just one of them. Sakura screaming being another. Kakashi even put down his book.

"Kakashi-sensei, they're doing it _again_!" Sakura wailed. Kakashi's grin widened.

2.

Naruto stared at the ceiling of the hotel room for a few minutes. Then he, predictably, grew bored.

Turning his head to look at the other occupant of the bed, Naruto whispered," Teme."

Sasuke's arm tightened around Naruto's waist, but the raven-haired boy didn't wake up. Naruto frowned and poked Sasuke's forehead.

"Oi, teme, wake the fuck up," Naruto then repeatedly flicked him in the forehead.

Sasuke slept on.

Naruto switched to poking Sasuke's side. Then his ass.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. Poke, poke, poke, pokepokepokepoke.

"SASU-" Naruto was cut off when a pale hand covered his mouth.

"What could you possibly want, dobe?" Sasuke asked. He removed his hand for his lover to answer.

"I can't sleep," Naruto grumbled.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but his hand came down to palm at Naruto's half-hard cock," Idiot."

"Quiet," Naruto muttered against his mouth.

3.

"Sasuke, I'm hungry," Naruto shouted as they jump-ran from tree to tree.

"Too bad," Sasuke answered.

"But," Naruto jumped a branch closer to Sasuke," I want ramen."

"We're on a mission dobe."

"Fine." Silence, finally.

"Sasuke, I'm tired, can we stop for the night?" Naruto asked.

Wow, that silence thing didn't last long.

"Naruto, it's only nine o'clock, it's still early enough. And anyway, the more ground we cover the faster we can get back to Konoha."

"But-"

"And that means getting ramen faster," Sasuke grunted.

Naruto's shoulders slumped but he stopped whining. For now, at least.

"Sasuke," Naruto began.

Sasuke shoved Naruto out of the tree.

"TEME!"

_He will definitely whine more now, but it was worth it. So worth it, _Sasuke thought to himself and Naruto tackled him off the tree as well.

--

A/N: Oh, and I'm sorry about the delay. It's the holidays and I've been busy sleeping and doing nothing.


	10. How To: Celebrate Part I

How To: Celebrate

A/N: Alright, hi. I have been gone for way to long. But hey! I was playing catch up in school. But, I swear I'm gonna make up for it with a really long fic. This is gonna be three parts. The other two will be out tomorrow. Woot! This was suggested by Bianca Chang, who always leaves me lovely reviews, so give her your eternal love.

(Birthdays)

_Sasuke_

Everyone in Konoha, ninja or not, knew that Uchiha Sasuke did **not** enjoy celebrating anything. And yes, that included his birthday. He was like a black hole that just sucked the fun out of holidays.

So, no one was surprised that on his birthday, he accepted a week-long mission. Naruto didn't even mention it.

Sakura and Ino left gifts at his house that he could open when he returned. Or, they hoped he would open them. It took a lot of time and mall-walking to pick out a blue shirt with the Uchiha fan on the back that was identical to his trademark shirt.

Naruto had been dating Sasuke (it was really just the usual fighting with a lot more sparring that had happy endings for both shinobi. Also, Sasuke bought him a lot of ramen) for about a year and a half. So some people were slightly shocked when the blonde didn't throw a huge party and demand that the Uchiha stay home with the added threat of no sex unless he did. But Naruto didn't appear to even notice the day commemorated anything.

Sasuke came home on schedule and was greeted with an empty house and a note that Naruto was also on a mission and would be home the next night.

The day Naruto was due home; Sasuke went to the old Team 7 training grounds. Then he went shopping, because apparently, the dobe couldn't be bothered to do it.

When Naruto came home that night, the usual banter-that-ends-in-angry-sex ensued. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

In fact, nothing unusual happened until about two months later.

Sasuke again came home to an empty house. Only, this time, there was no note.

Then, a kunai came through an open window and landed in his refrigerator, damn it. A note was attached to the end. Apparently the Godaime wanted see him.

Sasuke walked through Konoha toward Hokage's tower. As he passed an alleyway he was suddenly jerked back into it. Well, he would have been, but he's a ninja so come _on_. He grabbed the disruptive arms and flipped the person around so they were pinned face forward against the alley wall.

"Gee, Sasuke, if you were this horny you should have said something. This is a little drastic," Naruto snickered.

"Shut up, moron," Sasuke said, releasing his shorter lover.

"Yeah, whatever, just come on," Naruto said. But instead of waiting for a reply he pulled the raven toward- somewhere. The way he was running in random directions with sharp turn that doubled back on themselves were kinda hard to decipher.

Naruto ran straight toward a fence, but at the last minutes jerked to the left. Sasuke picked himself up from where Naruto had dropped him, pushing hair out of his face.

"Naruto, where the hell-"

"Happy birthday Sasuke!"

"…the hell?"

Naruto smiled and gave Sasuke a close-mouthed kiss," Happy birthday, bastard."

"Naru, my birthday was nearly two months ago," Sasuke said.

"Yeah, but if I had done a party then you wouldn't have been surprised and you would have avoided it. Now though, you are sure as hell surprised and there's no way you can avoid it," Naruto explained.

Sasuke sweatdropped. Then turned to walk away.

Naruto grabbed him by the collar," If you walk away I call off sex for a _year_. Do you know long this took to plan? Even Gaara came."

Sasuke gulped and nodded. Naruto's smile reappeared and he led Sasuke to mingle with the guests. And yes, Gaara was there.

Sasuke looked at the blonde," You can never do anything the normal way can you?"

"Normal's boring."

_Naruto_

Naruto, like Sasuke, wasn't fond of his birthday. It may represent the day he came into the world but it also symbolized a lot of death and destruction. Mostly, it just sucked.

Naruto could usually be found sitting on top of one of former Hokage's carved likenesses. Sometimes he even brought ramen.

On the morning of his birthday, Naruto wandered around Konoha. Only, he took the less crowded back roads. But not the back roads where the drunkards hung out. That would have been suicidal. Naruto, contrary to common belief, isn't a total moron. He just has this things where he only thinks as little as possible, or, preferably, not at all. But whatever.

Geeze, much more of this brooding and angsting and he might as well grow duck-butt hair and call himself Sasuke. But Sasuke would probably kill him.

By the end of the day, Naruto could have been found on the bridge where Team 7 used to meet before it had disbanded.

Naruto was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He relaxed when he recognized the scent. **Sasuke**.

"Hey," Sasuke whispered, wrapping his arms around Naruto's torso and waist protectively.

"Hey," Naruto answered quietly, leaning his head against Sasuke's shoulder, nuzzling the crook of his neck.

They might have sex later, they might not. They probably would. But for now? They were content to just be pressed against each other, sharing air and silence. This was nice.


	11. How To: Celebrate Part II

A/N: Heh, yeah it's a little late but I went to the movies with my friends and I have cramps. --' Okay, I fell asleep, too. Che, here it is anyway.

(Christmas)

_Sasuke_

_'Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.__ Completely moronic is what it is. __Fucking Christmas.__' _Sasuke thought to himself. _'I haven't celebrated Christmas since Itachi…left. Damn it.'_

But apparently, Sasuke would be celebrating this year, if Naruto had any say in the matter. And that moron always had a say in every matter.

So now, Sasuke had no present to give Naruto, and it was Christmas Eve. And, Sasuke had been kicked out of the house while Naruto wrapped his present for Sasuke. And it was snowing. Today just really sucked. Another reason to hate Christmas; y'know besides the carolers, fruit cakes and shopping. It's also just fucking cold.

Sasuke ducked into the nearest store, shaking snow out of his duckbu- hair as he did.

"Can I help you?" an old woman's voice floated through the stacks and rows and aisles of stuff.

"Uh," _'why not?'_ Sasuke thought," I'm looking for a Christmas present.

"Of course you are," this time the voice was connected to a short old woman who had more wrinkles than Sasuke had hair gel. "For your girlfriend, hm?"

"Eh, boyfriend," Sasuke muttered looking towards the ceiling.

"Right, I think I have just the thing, follow me."

"Um," Sasuke answered but followed her through towering piles of only-Kami-knows-what.

"Here, in here," the old woman ushered him through a door he hadn't even noticed into a room that had even more junk. "Over here." Somehow the woman had gone by Sasuke and made it across the room without him even noticing.

"Er, what is it?" Sasuke asked.

The woman held a small, silver square I her hand. Attached to it was a matching chain. She smiled, her eyes crinkling underneath her glasses.

"Oh, this is a very special necklace. It was handcrafted in the Village Hidden in the Mist. It holds absorbs chakra while the wearer is asleep and has healing properties," the old woman paused, her smile widened and her eyes held a mischievous glint," It also comes with adult toys." She held up a rather large box.

Sasuke was sold.

"Good day, Sasuke. And tell Naruto I'm sorry about his ass in advance," the woman called as Sasuke walked out of the store.

Hm, he had never told her his name, and he sure as hell didn't mention Naruto. That woman, Sasuke concluded, was very, very strange. And also slightly insane.

(Somewhere the old woman chuckled lightly.)

Adjusting his grip on the freshly wrapped present, the old woman did it (probably because she knew Sasuke didn't know how to wrap it. See? Strange.), he walked into his house.

_Naruto_

"Get out! Get out! Leave, now!" Naruto shouted, pushing Sasuke out of the door of their shared house. "I don't care what you do; just don't come back for at least two hours!"

As soon as the door was shut and bolted, Naruto rushed toward the kitchen. Truth was, he had already wrapped Sasuke's present. Well, this creepy old lady with glasses did it, but that's beside the point. So, yeah he lied to Sasuke to get him out of the house. But there was a good reason! Naruto was going to cook.

Yeah, and he wasn't even gonna burn the salad this time! (And they wouldn't have to remodel the kitchen again, either.)

So, Naruto quickly pulled out the groceries he had bought earlier. They were going to have a real Christmas dinner. Turkey, mashed potatoes, salad, rolls, and even gravy. For desert, he was going to make fudge.

Naruto quickly peeled the potatoes and got them boiling with no difficulty. He chopped the lettuce and carrots for the salad and mixed in some Italian dressing. No problems so far.

He turned to the turkey. He reread the directions, wait! They wanted him to put his hand where and pull out what? (This is why he didn't date women.)

Naruto cautiously lowered his hand toward the opening in the turkey. God, this was wrong, he groped in side and pulled out a package that was soaked in something Naruto never, ever, ever wanted to know the name of.

Ten minutes later Naruto had the turkey in the oven and he was profusely scrubbing at his hands.

He pulled out the ingredients for the fudge; sugar, butter, milk, marshmallow crème, chocolate chips and vanilla. Then he stared at the recipe Sakura had given him. Then he heard a steady drip, drip coming from across the kitchen. The potatoes had boiled over and hot water was steadily dripping down the sides of the pot. And, damn it, Sasuke was due home in half an hour.

_'Eh, guess the fudge can wait a while,'_ Naruto thought. Naruto took the potatoes and put them in the sink, all of the water had evaporated, leaving shriveled, burned potatoes. Eugh.

Naruto quickly opened the package of rolls and threw them on a greased pan before shoving them in the oven along with the turkey. Naruto took out a mop and cleaned up the now cool water. Then looked disappointedly at the fudge ingredients and pot of would-be mashed potatoes.

"This sucks," Naruto muttered. Then he smelled smoke. "What now?"

He wrenched open the oven and saw blackened rocks that should have been nice, golden-brown biscuits. At least the turkey was still okay.

Naruto heard the door open. Damn. He poked at the turkey. And hey-! It was still fucking raw.

Naruto calmly closed the oven door as Sasuke came into the smoke filled kitchen. Naruto slid to the floor, holding the charred remains of the biscuits. And no, damn it, there were not tears in his eyes.

"Naru? What's the matter?" Sasuke asked, sitting down in front of Naruto. (He had hidden the present in closet, not that Naruto knew.) Sasuke pulled the baking pan from Naruto's grip. Naruto stared blankly at the wall. "What happened?"

"I didn't ruin the salad this time," Naruto choked out. Sasuke sighed and wrapped his arms around Naruto, who nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

"It's okay, Naruto. It doesn't matter," Sasuke said.

"Just- just here." Naruto said, pulling Sasuke's present out of his pocket. It was a small, black velvet box.

"Is, Naruto?"

"Just open it." Naruto pushed the box into Sasuke's hand.

Sasuke opened the box, and yeah, there were two silver wedding bands tucked together.

Naruto said feebly," I was going to ask you after a big romantic dinner. I was going to make fudge! But then the mashed potatoes shriveled up and the biscuits burned and the turkey is still raw. But the salad's okay, I think. I even bought candles and wine. Then after we ate, I was gonna ask you and you would love me forever. But, uh. Sasuke, you wanna marry me?"

Sasuke blinked. Twice, thrice and even a fourth time for good measure. Then he smiled a bit and hugged the blonde closer, slipping the smaller wedding band onto Naruto's finger.

"I'm the seme, aren't I suppose to ask that?" Sasuke asked. Naruto snorted.

"Shut up," And Sasuke did. He kissed Naruto. (And then he carried him to the bedroom where they screwed until Christmas morning. The salad wilted, forgotten. Oh, and somewhere in the middle of screwing, Naruto opened Sasuke's present and the box of toys were put to _very_ good use.

Happily ever after, the end. (Until the next chapter.)


	12. How To: Celebrate Part III

A/N: Heh. Well, here it is, nearly a week late. I blame the book report! And I've been in an angsty mood so; I had to actually work at the humor. So, uh, that sucks. And this probably does too. But deal with it! nods

(Halloween)

_Naruto and Sasuke_

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Just- shut up. Teme!" Sasuke struggled against Naruto's grip.

"No, stop it! Don't come near me with that thing, moron!" Naruto tackled Sasuke, then sat on his stomach, effectively pinning the raven.

"Stop being such a baby, it's just for tonight. And stop. Wriggling. So. Damn. Much." Naruto said, flipping Sasuke over so he was on his stomach and Naruto was sitting on his lower back.

"Nmphugh." Sasuke had carpet in his mouth, and that sort of impaired his speech. Sort of a lot, really.

"Okay, done." Naruto said, pulling on the spiky ponytail he had tied Sasuke's hair in.

Naruto rolled off of Sasuke.

"Tell me again why I'm Iruka," Sasuke stood up, pulling on his old green Chuunin vest.

"Because, my hair isn't dark enough. And because I told you to," Naruto answered, staring into a mirror, trying to get his headband and blue mask to tilt at exactly the right angle to look nonchalant but mysterious.

"I don't always do what you tell me to," Sasuke pouted.

Naruto snorted," Yeah, you do."

"Psh, name once."

"Well, first off, you agreed to dressing up for Halloween. And you always buy me ramen. Oh, and there was that one time with the handcuffs and-"

"Okay! So, maybe I'm a little whipped," Sasuke said, pulling at his ponytail. Naruto grabbed his pale face. And he was holding eyeliner. "Alright, no, this is where I draw the line."

"Too bad." Naruto drew a black line across Sasuke's nose. Then he kissed it.

"I still don't know why we had to be Kakashi and Iruka."

"To piss them off, naturally," Naruto said, pulling Sasuke out of their apartment.


	13. How To: Ask For A Date

How To: Ask For A Date

A/N: Many thanks to kyte-sama for the idea. I know, I know, way late. Like, seriously. And I apologize. But, let's not kill the author, eh?

Warnings: One-sided (failed) SakuSasu, One-sided (also failed) NaruSaku. Urgh, het. I can't believe I just included Sakura in a pairing that isn't yuri. Geh, I'm gonna have to write a Sakura-bashing fic to get rid of the hetero taste in my mouth.

-

1.

"Hey Sasuke!" Sakura squealed, screeched, shrieked, like it matters.

"…" Sasuke shoved his hands into his pockets.

"So…Sasuke," Sakura blushed.

"…" Sasuke would have rolled his eyes, but he didn't want to acknowledge her, that would only encourage Sakura.

"Um, so, what's up? We never talk. Just you and me. Y'know. Naruto's always there too. Or we're on a mission or training with sensei. It's never just us talking. I bet you have a bunch of questions for me. I mean, you probably barely know anything about you," Sakura paused and giggled." But, of course, I know _all_ about you. Like you use watermelon shampoo and you train even after we've finished. And you sleep…naked."

"…"

Sakura looked up, wiping the blood from under her nose.

"Eh, Sasuke-kun! Where'd you go?"

2.

"I didn't even get to ask him if he wanted to have lunch with m-"

Sakura looked up when she heard footsteps. Maybe Sasuke was coming back! Maybe he had just gone to get her flowers and chocolates before he came you profess his never-ending love for her. Maybe he went to get a ring, and he was coming back to get down on one knee.

"Hey Sakura-chan!"

"Oh…Naruto," Sakura said, shaking herself out of her daydream. Some day…

"Teme."

"Dobe.

Sasuke had suspiciously reappeared when Naruto had shown up.

"So, Sakura. I was wondering-"Naruto was interrupted.

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"You don't even-"

You were going to ask me out.

Naruto was silent, for once. Sakura turned toward Sasuke.

3.

"So, Sasuke, I never got to ask you earlier…"

"Hn." Sasuke glanced, quickly at Naruto. Naruto blushed.

"Doyouwannagotolunchwithme?" Sakura gushed.

Both Naruto and Sasuke looked at her like she was crazy…ier than usual.

"Um. I mean, do you, uh, want to go to l-lunch with…me? Sasuke-kun," Sakura held her breath. Sasuke couldn't possibly say no.

"No."

"Really? Yes! I'll meet you at Ichiraku's at three-wait, what?" th kunoichi's brows furrowed in confusion.

"I have other plans," The raven clarified.

5.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto's hand, not his arm or shoulder or even neck, but his _hand_. Then pulled Naruto away from the bridge.

"Eh? Sasuke! Bastard!" Naruto shouted.

"Hn."

"What about training?" Sakura barely heard Naruto shout.

"You know Kakashi won't show up for at least another two hours. We have plenty of time. To do…things." Sasuke muttered as they finally disappeared from view.

Sakura frowned, because, really. What the fuck?

6.

Later, after the post-coital bliss, when Naruto's head was tucked under Sasuke chin and their breathing had become regular again, Naruto smacked Sasuke's chest. Sasuke flicked his forehead.

"What was that for, moron?" Sasuke asked, nuzzling sweat-soaked blonde hair.

"What was that at the bridge earlier?" _Not that I'm complaining, because damn…_ Naruto stretched his back. Then he absently wondered if Kakashi would hurt them for missing training. Probably.

"I was asking you out," Sasuke, blunt as ever, said.

"Er, hate to break this to you, but most dates end with sex, not begin with it," Naruto smirked, but it was nowhere near as awesome as the Uchiha Smirk™.

"Oh, really?"

"Yup."

"Well, then," Sasuke kissed Naruto's top lip." How about this. Will you go out to dinner with me?"

"Ramen?"

"Sure," Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Sex after dinner, not before?"

Sasuke gave a long-suffering sigh," I suppose."

"Then yes," Naruto kissed Sasuke, even slipped in some tongue. Score.

Sex-dates rock.


	14. How To: Fight

How To: Fight

A/N: Urgh, I'm not dead. But I'm tired. So…

-

Naruto groaned and turned over in the bed he shared with Sasuke. This was becoming ridiculous. And if Naruto thinks something is ridiculous, then you know it is completely insane.

But really, that inconsiderate bastard! Naruto just wants to strangle the raven haired idiot. And what brings on this random bout of homicidal tendencies? Sasuke won't share the blankets.

"Sasuke," Naruto hissed between clenched teeth. Naruto shivered as the cold wind blew in from the open window. Supposedly the bastard got too warm if the window wasn't open at night. Maybe Sasuke would need the window open if he would share the goddamn blankets.

"Ngh," Sasuke grunted, turning away from Naruto and effectively wrapping the blankets tighter around himself.

"Sasuke," Naruto stage whispered and poked Sasuke's shoulder for emphasis.

"Naru…"

"Sasuke!" Naruto spoke clearly, but he didn't shout. Yet.

"Wha."

"Sasuke!" Naruto jumped up and began pulling the blankets off the Sasuke. When he had the raven successfully unwrapped, he kicked him onto the floor. By then Sasuke was regaining use of his voice.

"Naruto! The hell?" Sasuke hissed at the blonde who was standing above him.

"Sasuke, go sleep on the couch." Naruto threw Sasuke's pillow at him before lying down and wrapping himself in the blankets.

Sasuke blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he sighed and stood up, grabbing the pillow.

"And shut the damn window, bastard," Naruto mumbled into his pillow.

-

The smoke had just cleared when Sasuke spoke.

"So, no more cooking?" Sasuke asked Naruto.

"What do you mean? Of course I'm going to cook again. I'm going to be the best cook ever," Naruto looked at Sasuke as though he were stupid. Sasuke looked at Naruto in a similar fashion.

"Well, I mean, don't you think it's kind of pointless?"

"What are you saying?" Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"I just mean that I cook well enough, you don't need to learn. Then again, based on your previous efforts in the kitchen I don't think you're capable of learning to cook." Sasuke said, looking at his charred pans.

"Well," Naruto's eyes flashed dangerously." Based on your previous efforts in the bedroom, you aren't going to be laid for a very, very, very long time."

"What? I didn't mean- I just. I just don't think you can cook." Sasuke mumbled the last part.

"I think you had better get the couch ready, because I know you aren't getting into my bed tonight.

"Technically, it's my bed." Sasuke muttered.

"Ugh, I'm leaving." Naruto said, grabbing a jacket on his way out of the house.

"Huh? Where are you going?" Sasuke asked.

"Iruka's place. I might be back tomorrow, I might not. Bastard." Naruto said.

As the door slammed shut behind Naruto, Sasuke sighed." I guess he wasn't joking about that no sex thing?"

-

A/N: I know, I know short and suckish and a bit OOC on Sasuke's part. But, I have like three reports due tomorrow and I haven't started any of them. Hell, I haven't even finished the book for one of them. I'll try to get something else out later tonight.


	15. How To: Make A Sex Tape

A/N: Trying to make up for the crappy chapter from earlier. It sucked, it was harsh and OOC but whatever. I don't care. And this one has a bit more humor. Yay for humor! g

-

How To: Make A Sex Tape

1.

Sasuke's hand slipped down Naruto's pants and gripped his length. Naruto groaned and arched his back. Sasuke's other hand slipped worked Naruto's pants down his legs.

"S-Sasuke," Naruto whispered and tugged at the raven's shirt.

Sasuke extracted his hand from Naruto's pants and quickly stripped.

"Sasuke!" This time it wasn't Naruto shouting. Someone was at the door.

"Fuck." Sasuke threw on his pants and went to the front door.

"What?" Behind the door stood Kakashi, book in hand and his eyes curved upwards.

Taking in the Uchiha's state of undress, Kakashi said," Sorry to interrupt…whatever it was you were doing but, Tsunade has a mission for you."

Naruto came into view, behind Sasuke. The blonde was wearing only an oversize shirt and holding a video camera.

"Sasuke, we're out of tape, oh, uh- hi Kakashi-sensei."

"Hello, Naruto," Kakashi's smile grew under his mask.

2.

Naruto's head bobbed up and down while Sasuke moaned above him. Naruto's finger circled the Uchiha's puckered entrance before pushing in slightly. Sasuke chanted Naruto's name under his breath.

Naruto wound his tongue around the head before pushing the tip into Sasuke's slit. His finger pushed further in Sasuke before pulling out. Naruto pulled off of Sasuke's cock and place two fingers in his mouth before inserting them in his own ass.

"Naruto, uh, ah. Ngh." Sasuke whimpered as Naruto took his length back inside the wet, hot cavern of his mouth.

With a sudden groan Sasuke came into the blonde's mouth. Naruto made a face and pulled off of Sasuke's cock, pulling his fingers out of his ass as well.

"The hell, Sasuke? We didn't even get to the sex! You suck, teme. And you had better plan on doing something about this." Here, Naruto pointed at his own erection. "And we wasted like, thirty minutes of film. If we need more, you're paying."

Here, Sasuke pretended to pass out. Naruto screamed.

3.

Sasuke entered the kitchen, where Naruto was sitting at the table writing a report on his latest mission. A camera was clutched in Sasuke's hand.

"Okay, this," Sasuke gestured at the camera." Is happening right now."

Naruto looked up at him." Um, I have work to do."

"Too bad." With that, Sasuke picked the blonde up and carried him to their bedroom, setting the camera down and turning it on.

-

Sasuke pulled out Naruto about an hour or so later.

"Well, at leas there was sex this time," Naruto said when he could breathe properly again.

"Hn." Sasuke stretched and buried his face in the pillow .

"Um, Sasuke?" Naruto said.

"Do I want to know?" Sasuke asked.

"Probably not…"

"What happened?"

"The lens was covered the entire time." Naruto winced when Sasuke shouted. At least it was muffled by the pillow.


	16. How To: Paint

How To: Paint

1.

There was orange every_where_. But that wasn't all that unusual, what with the way Naruto had a tendency to leave his clothes scattered about their apartment. And also with the way Sasuke enjoyed to scatter Naruto's clothes about the apartment, and the forest and the bathhouse and the training grounds and that alley by Ichiraku's.

Anyway, the unusual bit was that it wasn't clothes. Or, well, more correctly is wasn't just clothes. It was the walls and the carpeting and the paint that hadn't made it onto the walls that was splattered on the carpeting.

"Naru," Sasuke started

"Yeah, Sasuke?" an orange spattered Naruto responded.

"You know we aren't going to keep the walls orange, right?"

"Yeah we are, I figured that since I had already painted them, you couldn't object," Naruto smiled winningly.

"Um, no. And you didn't exactly paint, blew up a can of orange paint would be more accurate." Sasuke told his little blonde uke.

Naruto blinked and frowned," Hey! This awesome paint job took time and effort, thank-you very much."

Sasuke sighed, and pulled the can of paint from the shopping bag he had been carrying.

"Now, not only do I have to repaint, but I have to replace my new carpet," Sasuke muttered.

"Your new carpet, I paid for it, too! Personally, I think it looks better this way," Naruto flailed, effectively splashing Sasuke with flecks of the still-wet paint that was in his hair.

"Naruto, go take a shower, you're getting paint everywhere."

"I'm not leaving until you agree that we're keeping the walls this color." Naruto said, sitting down on a somehow-not-ruining patch of carpet.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and picked the blonde up, carrying him, kicking and screaming, of course, to the bath, where he dumped him in and turn cold water on.

"Bastard! Too cold!" Naruto said, splashing water all over in his haste to turn on the warm water.

Sasuke watched as the spray pelted a pouting Naruto until all of the orange was off of both him and his clothes, which they had both neglected to take off of him. Once all the orange-tinted water had drained, Sasuke examined the bathtub, with now had an orange tint. Naruto, who had been getting redressed in their room, came back in behind the raven.

"Well, do we have to repaint the room?" Naruto asked grumpily.



Sasuke sighed and lowered his head," Not yet, we won't have enough money once we buy a new bathtub.

"Why? What's wrong with the on we ha- oh! Hey, cool, I've always wanted an orange bathtub; can we paint the toilet and sink to match? And we can get orange tiling in here too?" Naruto rambled.

"Idiot," Sasuke sighed, shoving the blonde toward the bedroom. Obviously, they weren't going to be able to get anything done with Naruto still being conscious. So, Sasuke was going to add a little more orange to the floor and get some peace, they both won.

2.

"Naruto, what's on Sachie's face? And on Maaya's arm?" Sasuke asked, as he examined the strange designs.

"Face paint! This nice old lady was doing face painting near the ramen shop, and the girl's really wanted some. And hey! I got one too!" Naruto exclaimed, pulling his shirt down to reveal a pink butterfly painted onto his collarbone.

Sasuke stifled a smile and squinted at it," Pink, Naruto?"

"Mommy looks pretty Daddy," Sachie said while Maaya giggled.

"Of course, is that…a butterfly?" Sasuke asked, raising his eyebrows and allowing a small smirk.

"Bas- I mean, uh, just shut up Sasuke, it was either this or a teddy bear, and anyway, they picked," Naruto explained, pointing to the angelically smiling faces of Maaya and Sachie.

"Oh, I'm sure, moron." Sasuke said, standing up and pushing Naruto out of the way," I'm going to make dinner, and hey, try not to get any more paint on the girls. And you're washing it off before school tomorrow."

"But Daddy!" two voices whined at the same time as a deeper voice complained," But Sasuke!"

"No buts, go wash your hands before dinner," Sasuke said to his daughters.

They grumbled, but walked slowly towards the bathroom.

"So, no buts? What about my butt?" Naruto asked, looking over his shoulder at it," I think it rather nice, don't you."

"Yes, I do. And you go wash your hands too."

"Bastard," Naruto muttered, as he followed after their daughters.

-

A/N: I don't even know what to say. Um, sorry?


	17. How To: Try New Things

A/N: Thanks to NayagiAi for the prompt. This really worked out for me because I really wanted to write number three. Happy reading!

-

How To: Try New Things

1.

Naruto stared out the window. It had rained earlier that day, but the sun had dried all traces of water sans a couple of puddles that children were playing.

"Naruto

?"

Naruto turned from the window, his laying hand on his bulging stomach. The blonde looked at the raven, who was feeding their baby; Sachie.

"Yeah Sasuke?"

"Could you come and finish feeding her? I have to leave." Sasuke said, holding out the bowl of baby food.

"Yeah, okay," Naruto answered.

Naruto walked over to the other two members of his family. He took the proffered bowl and sat in the chair Sasuke had stood from.

Sasuke walked about a step away before he came back to Naruto. The Uchiha leaned down and softly kissed the Kyuubi-vessel. Naruto's hand came up to rest on Sasuke's should before the raven pulled away.

"I'll see you tonight," Sasuke said, pecking Naruto's lips once again before leaving (for real, this time).

As the door shut, Naruto licked his lips. He then brought another spoonful of baby food to Sachie's mouth. If he got kisses like that every morning, he could totally do this family thing. Yeah.

2.

Maaya took a deep breath. She could get through this.

_Both Papa and Mama did this when they were kids too. Even Sachie goes here. She'll help me through this._

The young Uchiha heiress stepped forward into the classroom. A few children turned to look at her.

_Why did I tell Mama and Papa that I could do this alone? That was dumb! I wish Mama was here right now._

"Maaya! Come sit by me!" a small girl with red hair and whitish eyes called.

"Oh, hi, Kaede," Maaya mumbled, sliding into the seat next to her friend. Kaede was the child of Gaara and Neji.

When Maaya saw her Uncle Iruka stand at the front of the room, she reassured herself that she could handle the Academy.

3.

Sasuke looked down at the blonde that was sprawled on the bed under him. His pink lips were parted in breathless pants and pleasured moans. Sasuke thrust again into the tight hole.

Naruto groaned when the Uchiha leaned down and licked a stay dribble of chocolate off his neck. The raven gently bit skin he had licked.

Naruto wound his fingers through dark hair and pulled Sasuke's head toward his. Their lips mashed together as they both climaxed. Sasuke collapsed on top of the blonde. Naruto snuggled into the crook of Sasuke's neck.

"And you thought you wouldn't like sweets," Naruto mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

4.

Sasuke gazed the tan fingers as the intertwined with his own pale fingers. His hands were slightly larger but the other hand fit just right in his. It felt natural, like everything was between them. It was obvious and comfortable. Sasuke's thumb brushed of the back of Naruto's thumb.

"Oi, teme, what the hell are you doing? "

Sasuke looked up from their hands to meet mischievous blue eyes under a mop of blonde hair.

"What dobe?"

"I was saying that you should pay the man, I'm done with my ramen," Naruto said, standing from his stool.

Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes but dug his free hand into his pocket, taking out enough money to pay Ichiraku's owner.

Sasuke walked away, his hand still in the blonde's. He figured that the handholding wasn't so bad. Neither was the kissing or sex, obviously. Hn, dating Naruto wasn't going to kill him.

(But he drew the line at hugging.)


	18. How To: Top a Bastard

A/N: Yes, I am updating. And this goes to dragon695. I didn't go all the way with the NaruSasu thing because…well, I just can't my brain won't work that way. So I put my own spin on it I guess. Oh, well. sigh Hope y'all like it anyway.

1.

Sasuke stared at Naruto. Naruto stared back. Sakura looked between the two of them, trying to guess which would give in to the need to blink first. Kakashi stared at his book. Sai stared at the clouds; actually, he looked like he was imitating Shikamaru. Yamato just stared.

"Dobe, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that." Sasuke said through gritted teeth.

_Flashback-of-pure-awesomeness (Five minutes ago)_

_All of Team Seven had met in Ichiraku's as they did three times a month. And it was all of Team Seven, not just the original team- mean Yamato and Sai were present as well. Naruto had, obviously, had chosen the meeting place this time. _

_They had chatted for a while before their ramen arrived. When the food did appear, silence fell upon the group. _

_Naruto finished with his fourth bowl set moved back from the counter, the look of pure ecstasy on his face was replaced with a thoughtful look. He turned to Sasuke, who was seated to his left._

_"I'm going to be the seme tonight, Sasuke," Naruto said, completely seriously._

_Sasuke had dropped his chop stick and looked at his lover blankly. And thus, the epic staring cycle had begun._

_End-of-flashback_

"But, teme, I wanna," Naruto said.

"No," Sasuke stated simply.

"Yes."

"Hn."

"Saaasssuukke! Your name has uke in it! You are destined to be the uke!" Naruto complained.

"No, and you are not hanging out with Neji ever again," Sasuke said.

Kakashi's eyes turned upward with amusement.

"Teme!"



Sasuke ordered the blonde another bowl of ramen. Naruto, successfully distracted, dropped the matter.

2.

Naruto snuck up on Sasuke this time and he made sure there was no ramen anywhere nearby. No distraction this time, Sasuke! You will be bottom!

Unfortunately, Sasuke had a mission and so Naruto was once, again, _not_ pounding him into the bed.

3.

"Sasu?" Naruto said, moving to sit in the raven's lap.

"Hn?" Sasuke grunted, setting his mission report aside.

"Why can't I be seme?" Naruto whined, making his eyes big and his lips pouty.

Sasuke blanched and stared at the very alluring picture before him," Naruto. You will never top me."

"Why not?" Naruto asked, dropping his adorable look in favor of a glare.

Sasuke tackled Naruto to the floor, pinning the blonde's arms above him.

"Because, I said so and I'm the seme," Sasuke muttered against Naruto's neck.

4.

Alright, this time Naruto would be seme! And Sasuke would be moaning and writhing under _him_ this time, instead of the other way around. Naruto had come up with the perfect plan. It was foolproof. It was unstoppable! It was…well completely sneaky and cunning. Something Sasuke would definitely not expect from Naruto.

So when Sasuke found himself tied to the bed posts later that night, Naruto was completely gleeful. See? This plan was totally going to work. Naruto was kissing down the pale neck and when he bit down, there was a 'poof' and then there wasn't a body underneath him.

Sasuke walked into the bedroom, holding a pair of handcuffs.

Naruto glared at the Uchiha," How did you know?"

Sasuke smirked," You shouldn't leave papers with detailed plans on how you were going to tie me down and make me bottom, complete with date and time the plan would be set into action, dobe."

Naruto pouted as the cuffs were attach to each of his wrists.



5.

Naruto groaned as Sasuke rubbed against Naruto's prostate. Sasuke worked his way across Naruto's neck, giving an affectionate bite to the blonde's ear.

Naruto pushed back against Sasuke as the raven slowed his movements. Sasuke's hand came down to wrap around Naruto's own insistent erection. Naruto keened and came at the first touch.

Sasuke moaned as Naruto's ass clenched around his own cock. Giving a few more shallow thrusts, Sasuke came into his lover. Naruto whined at the sensation and whimpered when Sasuke pulled out.

"S-Sasuke," Naruto panted into his lover's mouth as Sasuke sealed their lips together.

Pulling slightly away from Naruto, Sasuke whispered against Naruto's lips," And this is why you will never be seme."

A/N: I'm still accepting prompts for this series. I am seriously running out of ideas. I might have to retire this series for a while. Thanks for reading! XD


	19. How To: Avoid Fangirls

A/N: Guys, I don't even know.

Credit goes to Black-Dranzer-1119! Thank you so much!

How To: Avoid Fangirls

1.

Okay Sasuke has this problem, see? Actually, he has more than a few problems but that's beyond the point right now. His current problem wasn't even caused by Itachi or a mission or his useless teammates. Well, okay, it involves _one_ of his teammates, three guesses who. And if you can't guess, then you're even dumber than Sasuke thinks most people are. And he thinks most people are pretty stupid, just as general rule.

Anyway, his problem as of now is those...those...things. The bloodsucking, horrifying, life-invading, stalker-esque things were everywhere. Yes, we are talking about the vilest of evil things that the world has to offer. We're talking about...fangirls. Ugh, the word alone makes Sasuke shudder and consider the fetal position.

But really, they won't leave him alone. They're everywhere he goes. He can't even eat _breakfast_ without catching one watching him through his kitchen window. And that's not even the worst of it. Every morning, before Sasuke can even leave his own house, he has to clear a pile of love letters that declare their unique and undying devotion for him that has somehow accumulated around his front door. The amount of paper cuts he receives while doing this daily chore are reaching ridiculous proportions.

Even during Iruka-sensei's class, he can't get away from some of them. The majority of females in that class fall all over themselves just to be seated near him. He has seen more than one girl-fight break out just because a girl sat near him two days in a row, and hey, it was some one else's turn now. And they're kunoichi with_ kunai_.

But mostly Sasuke doesn't know how to deal with the masses of females that seem to just swoon whenever he comes near them and he especially doesn't want to deal with the ones that _follow_ him and _watch _him because they're creepy and probably more than slightly insane and thus, extremely dangerous. So he mostly just ignores them and glares whenever any of them try to strike up a conversation with him.

Also, the flowery perfume they all must bathe in gives him a headache.

2.

As the three members of Team 7, they have to be civil, right? Well, kind of.

Sakura is still annoying sweet and she simpered when around Sasuke, and he kind of envies Naruto and his strange ability to keep most kunoichi as bay. And Sakura seems to have upgraded her flowery perfume to something fruity and tropic. It makes his eyes itch whenever she stands to close to him.

He still doesn't have much of a plan of action for when they follow him, but at least they go away when he mocks them. Something he learned worked quite well after a week of being in close quarters with Sakura, and finally losing his temper and snapping at the pink-haired girl. Who ran away, holding back tears of frustration and hurt. Naruto had punched his arm so hard, he had a bruise for weeks, before running after Sakura.

Whatever, at least he gets more silence now and he can shower without having to be on alert for the stalkers in his fanclub, the idea of which disturbed him to no end. Even if he did make a few girls cry, it was worth it. But the goddamn pile of letters never diminished. And from what Sasuke saw as he lit 

them on fire every morning, each girl was convinced that getting him alone with her would make him fall madly in love with. Hn, yeah right.

3.

After Sasuke left Konoha to go to Orochimaru, he was sure he had left all the madness of fangirls and creepy crushes behind him. That was, until he met Karin of course. He soon learned that her obsession with him nearly rivaled that of all of the girls he had left in tears. Almost.

There were far fewer letters left at his door every morning, as there were far less girls writing them. However, the amount that Karin did manage to create astounded Sasuke. Where did the girl get all of this free time when she was incessantly following him around? Did she ever sleep? And if she divided her time between letter-writing and following him, when did she train? The thought of her staying up night after night writing letters of her passion for him and how adorable she was certain their future children were going to be made him queasy.

He tried the glaring and insults and just flat out ignoring the girl, but she wouldn't leave him alone. He attempted to assassinate her late in the night while she was asleep because surely she didn't stay up all night actually writing love notes, right? As it turned out, she did.

4.

When Naruto finally dragged him back to Konoha, Sasuke was actually kind of relieved. Most of his old fangirls were either disgusted by him or married off by now, right? Or maybe they had finally grown out of their crush on him, like Sakura. Sasuke was released into Naruto's custody and remained under strict scrutiny for a year, in which time he learned that a few of his most nameless, obsessive stalkers still followed him and fainted at the sight of him.

Naruto also learned, as he lived with Sasuke now, how irritating and frightening their nonstop invasion of privacy was. They would now watch him again, after a nearly five year gap of Sasuke-less time in order to get their fill. Naruto for the first few weeks thought it was awesome to get the attention from such beautiful women. And then found it funny that Sasuke was so bothered by it. And then Naruto would makes faces at them. Sasuke, just to get the moron to _stop _it and ignore them, kissed him. It was just a diversionary tactic, really. There was no real passion behind it, regardless of the fact that within minute Sasuke had Naruto up against a wall with Naruto's legs wrapped around his waist and his own hands up Naruto's shirt. But when they pulled apart again, Sasuke noticed that two of the girls had run away screaming and the other had fainted.

_Hm, not just a diversionary tactic then_, he thought, then Naruto grabbed his shirt and hauled him back in for another kiss.

5.

Only one of the three girls continued her vigil for Sasuke, standing outside their apartment every night and following Sasuke everywhere. She constantly tried to break Naruto and Sasuke apart. She was always interrupting their training and time at Ichiraku's. Sakura was even getting annoyed and sometimes left them just to get away from the freak that followed everywhere.

Naruto even invested in curtains for the window because one time, while Sasuke had him pinned to the bed and was attacking his neck, he managed to open his eyes and she was right there. Staring at them. Naruto had shrieked and shoved Sasuke away. Sasuke had ended up on the bedroom floor, scowling.

The girl finally gave up after Sasuke and Naruto tied the knot. Up until then, even though she knew they were engaged, she had kept trying and trying to show Sasuke the light. She had even cornered him in an alley once and tried to force herself on him. He had evaded her easily enough, but 

still. But once they had said their 'I do's, she had been no where to be found. And finally, they didn't have to worry about anyone looking in the windows. So Sasuke took this as an opportunity to bend Naruto over constantly and fuck him against every allowing surface in the house.

Naruto was really great for keeping girls at bay, and Sasuke could smack himself for not putting two and two together during their Genin days after he had observed him repelling the females even then.

Now, Sasuke just has to do something about Naruto's fanboys that seem to follow wherever they go, because Naruto's ass? If his, thank you very much.

A/N: That was so much fun to write, and I can't believe it took me so long to update something. I fail.

And guys, school starts again soon. Groan with me now.


	20. How To: Sleep

How To: Sleep

1.

The sun beat down on Sasuke's face from where he was trying to nap in a field after the intense training he had undergone all day. The grass was wet and warm underneath him. It had rained last night and he knew that when he stood up, his backside would probably be soaked but he was just too damn tired to move. And hey, he was already sweat-soaked so what did it really matter? The breeze that was blowing over him felt great so he wasn't going to move for anything.

He was half-sleeping when a shadow fell over him. He would have written it off as a cloud covering the sun but he sensed a chakra signature. Hell, no, not now.

"Sasuke-teme! Take me to go get ramen!" Naruto shouted, throwing himself down onto his boyfriend.

Sasuke grunted. "Naruto, get off of me."

"Only if you'll buy me ramen," Naruto pouted, shaking his head swiftly. Sasuke nearly choked on blonde locks.

"Fine."

2.

Why did the heat have to be so humid? It was the middle of the night, shouldn't the temperature have dropped like ten degrees or something. But no, it seemed like it had risen a couple degrees since the sun went down. Leaving Naruto sweating and unable to sleep in the makeshift tent he shared with Sasuke during missions. The air was stale in the tent and Naruto had abandoned his sleeping bag some time ago. And worst of all, Sasuke was cuddly when he slept. Which was kind of creepy and cute all at the same time. Not that Sasuke would ever admit it no matter how much shit Naruto gave him for it. But tonight, Sasuke's sleeping habits were stifling Naruto and making it difficult to breathe the already unbearable air.

Naruto groaned and pushed Sasuke's arms off of his chest and rolled out from under his right leg that was entangled in his own. Naruto got up onto all fours and crawled out of the tiny tent. He sighed with relief, throwing himself down into the cool grass. He basked in the slight breeze that was blowing around. He stared up at the stars for a moment before closing his eyes, intent on getting some much-needed sleep.

His eyes jerked back open when something settled against his back and curled limbs around his own body. Naruto looked over his shoulder and sighed when he saw that it was only a half-asleep Sasuke. Their eyes met for a second before Sasuke closed his eyes and his breathing returned to sleep-deep. Naruto turned his head back around and closed his own eyes. At least there was a breeze out here.

Post-Coital

3.

Sasuke threw his bag knapsack onto the ground the second he crossed the threshold into his apartment. His mission had been grueling and harsh. Too little to eat and not enough sleep didn't mix well with rough fighting and powerful opponents. He knew he was grimy and probably reeked of dirt, blood and sweat but he couldn't even make it to the bedroom right now, nonetheless summon the energy for a shower. Sasuke silently fell backwards onto the couch and closed his eyes, blocking out the evil sunlight that was filtering in through the open window shades, and drifted off into a light nap.



_The house had better be on fire_, Sasuke thought as a finger prodded him awake. His nap had been cut about three days short and we wasn't amused at all. He groggily opened his eyes to look at the blonde in front of him. Naruto looked just as worn and tired as he was, which wasn't all that surprising as he had been on the same mission.

"Go take a shower and drink some water, then you can sleep," Naruto said. Sasuke noticed that Naruto wasn't dirty or sweaty any longer but rather smelled like the vanilla soap the blonde insisted on buying.

Sasuke shook his head once and closed his eyes again.

He heard Naruto sigh deeply. Then he said, "You'd better go at least drink the water or you'll have a headache when you wake up. Seriously, 'Suke."

Sasuke rolled off the couch and walked toward the kitchen.

4.

Sasuke flapped a hand at the man next to him, "It's your turn, Naru."

Sachie was crying again. For the nth time that night. Neither of the men had gotten much sleep since bringing the newborn home.

"Nuh, I got her a bottle like an hour ago," Naruto mumbled into his pillow, rolling out of reach of Sasuke's flapping hand.

"And I went ten minutes ago to refill that bottle."

"Why didn't I wake up when she cried? Did you really?" Naruto groaned, already rolling off of the bed.

"Yeah," Sasuke answered, already falling asleep again, knowing that Naruto was going to stop that incessant shrieking.

Footsteps heading to down the hall were the only response Sasuke got. He smirked, Sachie hadn't really woken up ten minutes ago, but he couldn't get up right now. He needed his beauty sleep. Sure he felt bad about making Naruto pull a double-duty, but not guilty enough to go instead.

5.

Naruto screamed one last time and came, painting his and Sasuke's chests with white. Sasuke thrust again before following the blonde below him. Sasuke collapsed on top of Naruto before pulling out and rolling off of his lover. Naruto turned over, resting his head on Sasuke's shoulder.

"We should probably clean up," Naruto said wrinkling his nose.

"Probably."

"Yeah."

"Hn."

"'Night, Sasuke," Naruto said, though it was muffled by the raven's neck.

Sasuke snored in answer.

A/N: Okay, I promised one more chapter before school, so here it is. I start tomorrow as a high school freshman. So, yeah. Sorry to those who have already started school. Hope you liked the chapter though!


	21. How To: Maintain Sanity

How To: Maintain Sanity

1.

This is just pushing it way too far. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. This pushed Sasuke's button one too many times. And other such metaphors.

When the dobe had burned dinner, Sasuke had merely ordered out. When he painted all of their rooms orange (which clashed with the furniture, by the way), Sasuke had just fucked him through the mattress and then ignored the heinously colored walls. When Naruto had turned all of their whites pink and bleached all the black clothing, Sasuke had just shrugged and gone shopping (he had needed new shoes anyhow). But this, this was just beyond the realm of imaginable for average couples.

But then, he _was_ dating Naruto, so he probably should have known something like this was bound to happen.

Still, the moron had somehow burned down their apartment. And he wasn't even cooking or anything! No, Naruto had lit a few candles to 'set the mood' for the sex that would obviously occur when Sasuke returned home from his latest mission. But then he had fallen asleep while waiting for the raven to come home and he had left the candles still burning in various places around the apartment.

Really? The hell? Sasuke had come home from a long and grueling mission (he had actually just gone with his Genin team to babysit some rich brat) to find their apartment complex in ashes and Naruto sporting a lump on his head and looking properly sheepish while Tsunade made sure all of the other inhabitants of the complex were safe and assessed the damage.

And then Sasuke had had to drag the blonde to Sakura's place and mooch off of her until their apartment was reconstructs (that was, if they weren't banned from the complex) or until they found another place.

Sasuke checked his wallet, this called for a shopping spree and a fuck. And their lube had gotten lost in the wreckage. Kami, he had to go buy all new sex toys.

Sasuke needed another metaphor for the anger he was feeling.

2.

And people thought that he was the annoying one. If anyone else but him had to live with that neurotic, anal-retentive bastard, they wouldn't hold him in such high regard.

When they had first moved in together, Sasuke had mostly just screwed him too silly to notice much of anything other than missions. But then, when they finally settled down and didn't use every spare moment for sex, Naruto had began to realize something. Sasuke was fucking crazy. Not literally fucking a crazy person, but like Sasuke was truly insane, kind of. Not insane enough for an asylum, but bordering on obsessive-compulsive, he was toeing that thin line and sometimes, Naruto truly believe that he would have no qualm about throwing his lover into the crazy bin.

Okay, the first thing Naruto noticed was that Sasuke had a specific order about his kitchen. In the drawers, spoons, knives and forks never touched and he always washed cups twice. The first time Naruto did dished, he accidentally put a spoon in with the knives and, though he didn't say anything about it, Sasuke rewashed all of the knives and that one spoon.

But that freaky silverware thing wasn't the only weird thing. He ordered his clothing by color and then oldest to newest within the color groups. He kept all of his books in alphabetical order by author's last name and then in chronological order if there was more than one book by a certain author. He refused to use generic soaps, he only used brand names. He spends exactly one hundred dollars on groceries every week and he only wears socks to bed.

Naruto's a laidback kind of guy though, and he can deal with a bit of oddness, but when Sasuke tried to push some of his ways on to him, Naruto wouldn't stand for that. He didn't like that thermostat was perpetually set to seventy degrees and he didn't want to drink green tea after every mission.

So Naruto tried to change some of Sasuke's ways, he would occasionally and gradually mix up silverware and clothing into the wrong places. But then Sasuke can be a mega bitch when he wants to be, something Naruto also learned within two months of living together. He was used to Sasuke's normal bitchy, icy attitude but he could be a petty, whiny person who sunk low enough to insult ramen. And no, no, that's when Naruto learned how to cope with the insanity that is his boyfriend. Wanna hear his secret?

He cheats on him.

No, just kidding, Sasuke's the bastard in this relationship (even though Naruto would rips Sasuke's balls with a smile off he ever cheated on him, and Sasuke knows that) no, Naruto goes and trains until he can barely manage to get home before he passes out.

Yeah, he works himself into a coma-like state. Shut up, at least it blocks out the bitching. Oh, god, the _bitching_.

3.

If there was one thing that Sachie and Maaya couldn't stand was when their parents were fighting. They acted so childish, and they were the adults. They fought about the dumbest things most of the time, like whose turn it was to take out the trash or who burned dinner that night.

And there was no approaching their father if their blonde mother had exiled him to the couch. And even though their parents had repeatedly told them that hurting friends was wrong, they had, on more than one occasion, seen either or both their mom and dad with black eyes or busted lips the morning after the fight, but at least they were talking after they hit each other. It was better than the stony silences that had reigned before.

The only thing that gave the badness of the fighting a run for it's money as something the girls couldn't stand it was their parents acting all mushy and romantic and kissy. Kissing boys was gross, that what their dad had told them, but then he goes and kisses mom who is actually a guy too. Parents kissing is gross, the Hyuga kids and the Inuzuka boy agreed with them too.

Neither of them could understand why Aunt Sakura squealed with joy when their parents cuddled or kissed. It was really mushy and gross, like to sweet candy but more gross.

--

A/N: Hope y'all like it. Credit for prompt to Give'em Hell. Thanks!


	22. How To: Balance

A/N: I have no excuses…I'm just a poor sad student with midterm exams and a bad habit of lazy inconsistency. Wow, that's kind of an excuse, isn't it? A lame one, too.

I just hope people are still actually reading.

How To: Balance

1. Household Duties

Two young girls flew through the house, chased by their blonde father. All three of them laughing childishly as the man threatened to tickle them.

Their fun came to an end as the girls' other father sprung up in front of them suddenly as they rounded a corner sharply. The dark aura surrounding the man was obvious, even to the sometimes bubble-brained Naruto. Their smiles dropped off their faces as they waited for the inevitable blow to come.

Sasuke smirked. They were wary- afraid. Good, they should be.

"Do you three know what day it is?" Sasuke bit out threw clenched teeth.

The two girls exchanged glances, knowing there was no right answer to that question. Their father wouldn't be so stupid as to answer the question, so maybe they quell Sasuke's anger if they—

"Uh, Sasuke, it's Saturday. It has been all day," Naruto said, rolling his eyes, his grin coming back full-force.

The corners of Sasuke's mouth tightened minutely," Yes, Naruto it is, and do you recall what Saturday means?"

Sachie and Maaya blinked before cringing; Saturday was Chore Day. Yes, important enough to warrant capital letters.

"Eh? Well, it's the weekend…" Naruto trailed off with a confused frown marring his beautiful features.

"And…?" Sasuke prompted.

"And…" Naruto replied.

Sasuke's face darkened dangerously; the girls sighed, resigning themselves to a bitchy Sasuke. Sasuke gestured around at the house, which was in a state of complete disarray, closely resembling a war zone. "And, it's Chore Day."

Naruto's expression grew horrified at the statement. "Oh, no, Sasuke- I'm sorry, looking I'll take care of everything. Seriously, don't sweat it, I've got everything covered."

Naruto took two steps toward the kitchen, before tripping over a pile of dirty clothes. Sasuke glanced at Maaya and Sachie.

"Why don't you two go out and play? Your father will take care of everything." Sasuke's words were loaded and dripping with alternate meaning.

Sachie flinched at Sasuke's toned, but nodded and dragged Maaya out the door behind her. Sasuke turned to smirk at Naruto. This smirk had absolutely nothing to do with chores.

2. Work

Since Sasuke and Naruto had had children, they had had a difficult time working out a schedule. Until the girls were old enough, someone had to be around to take care of them— and they could only impose on Kakashi, Iruka and Sakura for so long. And so, really, they could only take short missions and Naruto could only spend so much time in the Hokage's office.

Eventually though, both girls entered the Ninja Academy, and were deemed old enough, by their parents, to look after themselves for a short time after classes let out until either Naruto or Sasuke arrived home.

3. Love

Between paperwork, missions and raising two children, Sasuke and Naruto had little time left to themselves. This is the reason that 'alone time' was a treasure. Whether they simply caught up on sleep or had rough, hard, 'it's-been-too-long' sex, it was always a treat to just catch a break. Which is why tonight was such a gift.

Iruka and Kakashi had agreed to take the girls for the night, in order to give the couple a much needed respite. And, needless to say, Naruto and Sasuke were enjoying every blessed moment of it. They had enjoyed a quiet dinner without any kind of finger-food that Sachie and Maaya usually demanded. Then they had cuddled on the couch, watching a movie. About halfway through, they stopped actually watching it, much too content to indulge in other activities, ones that were much more X-rated.

4. Sex

Even early in their relationship, Naruto had always tried to top Sasuke. Ultimately, he had failed. Not for lack of trying though.

Naruto had tried sneak-attacks, blackmail, threats, dirty promises, teasing, withholding sex altogether (which he would probably never have been able to keep up). He had played every dirty trick in his book and several from Kakashi's and even a few from Jiraiya's. Naruto had done everything short of begging, he'd even used handcuffs and scarves, that somehow, Sasuke either slipped free of or talked Naruto into letting him loose (Naruto only agreed to let Sasuke out because he had been so damned hard and horny, and Sasuke's mouth, the things he said—well, we'll just say Sasuke has a very dirty, naughty mouth). And still after all those plans and determination, Naruto had still not managed to top him.

Eventually, Sasuke had taken pity on Naruto and made a compromise. So now, every other time they have sex, Naruto gets to be in control of the pace and rhythm as he slides himself up and down Sasuke's cock.

Naruto figures Sasuke can keep his ass cherry, prissy bitch.

5. Possessive

Most people only ever comment on or talk about Sasuke's possessive attitude toward his blonde partner, but to say that Naruto isn't as equally possessive in just not true. Naruto just didn't have much need to prove the fact that Sasuke belonged to Naruto as much as Naruto belonged to Sasuke.

Early in their relationship, Sasuke's fangirls had been quite a nuisance. Though they had gone down in number since their Academy days as some of the less hardcore girls settled down with other guys. However, that means that Sasuke and Naruto were saddled with the craziest of the crazy. Kunoichi- highly-skilled kunoichi at that- who were so obsessed with Sasuke that they had attempted many times to break the two men up, and, as they got more and more desperate, even tried to kill. Sasuke had taken care of those few who had, foolishly and pettily tried to murder Naruto. Naruto may be airheaded and ditzy at times, but even he could see through desperate traps, he wasn't Hokage for nothing, after all.

So, as the fangirls became even crazier and more desperate with every passing day, Naruto had set about doing something to change it. No one, not even Sasuke, knew exactly what Naruto did to the women, well, other than Naruto and the kunoichi themselves. Sasuke only knew that one day, women were following him around, snapping pictures for their shrines and spewing random declarations of undying, fiery love at him, as per usual. And the next day, there weren't.

Since that day, Naruto hadn't really had a reason to become possessive. Sasuke on the other hand, still had to deal with the guys of questionable sexual orientation around Konoha whose eyes strayed to blonde's ass for too long or too often.

A/N: If you're still here with me, let me know! If you were sure I was dead or had abandoned writing, let me know. If you hated the chapter, let me know! If you loved, then thanks in advance!

I would also like to thanks anyone who has reviewed, favorite, alerted since I started writing this. I never intended to get this many chapters ever. My usual stories waver around 6 to 12 chapters, so I'm pretty proud of this story. Thanks again to anyone who reads!


	23. How To: Sex Him Up

centerHow To: SasuNaru/center

1. Soft

Naruto came into their apartment, slumping slightly. His exhausted expression speaking volumes. Sasuke moved from where he had been preparing their supper to his lover's side. He reached around him and took the brunt of the blond's weight as Naruto melted into him tiredly. He escorted Naruto into their bedroom, where he carefully pulled the traditional hokage robes off of him and pushed him down on to the bed to sleep before dinner. Naruto put up only a token protest but fell asleep the moment his head his the pillow.

Sasuke moved around the room, putting the robe back into their shared closet and pulled the bedsheets up around the tan man and set out some pajamas for him to change into for dinner. Then he returned to their kitchen to ensure that the stir-fry hadn't burned. He gave it a quick stir before replacing the lid to let it continue simmering. He moved to the sink and finished the dishes that had accumulated over the week. Due to his ANBU duties and Naruto's hokage business, they were more than content to allow the dishes to overrun the sink until they were eating cereal off a plate with a fork.

He efficiently set the table with the newly clean dishes. And moved to take the pan off the stove when two tan arms wound around his waist. He turned in the embrace to lean down and kiss Naruto gently. He reached behind himself to turn the stove off. Naruto broke the kiss, smiling a little and grabbed the pan that contained their supper. Sasuke allowed Naruto to spoon their dinner onto their respective plates. They both sat at the small table, their knees meeting underneath. They ate in content silence.

Later, when the dishes had been set in the sink, to be washed tomorrow (or in another week), and the leftovers had been put into the refrigerator and they had both stumbled into bed, Sasuke curled up around Naruto, pressed front to back. Sasuke placed a kiss on Naruto's neck and reached his hand around to rub at his hips. The blond's own hand covered his and pushed it below his waistband where his cock strained into Sasuke's hand.

Sasuke chuckled into the base of Naruto's neck, "Thought you were tired."

Naruto grinned into the dark room, "Got a second wind, I guess."

Sasuke smiled and pushed his own groin against Naruto's ass. They were both too tired for actual sex, despite claims to the contrary. But this was just as good. Pressing against one another, kissing over Naruto's shoulder and whispering in the silence of their bedroom was a kind of intimacy that wasn't exactly rare but wasn't a common occurrence either. More often, they were rushed to find release, constrained by work and responsibilities that come with adulthood. This lazy kind of lovemaking was a something generally reserved for early Sunday mornings before drifting back to sleep or late at night on days where there was little time for it but they both so desperately needed it.

Sasuke gasped his release in Naruto's hair and seconds later felt Naruto's own splash wetly against his hand. Sasuke wiped his soiled hand on his pajama pants and shucked both them and his wet boxers, throwing them in the direction of the hamper. Naruto was asleep already when Sasuke settled back against him, determined to join him in sleep.

2. Rough

It had started with a hand-to-hand sparring match to brush up on their physical abilities. And like most things between them, their competitive streaks quickly fanned the spark until a fire was raging within each of them. Both men seeking to win, fairly or otherwise. They threw their best moves at one another, and for the most part it was an even match.

Though no one else was in the part of the forest they occupied, their fight was a sight to behold. When they sparred, it was usually for fun and often devolved into making out or smearing one another's faces into the mud. That kind of frivolous sparring was much different than what they were currently doing. This intense, sparking, raw energy flowed seamlessly between them. As they traded blows and evaded one another, they seemed to give each other energy. Though they had been going at top form for some time, neither appeared to be lagging in the slightest. Even the most well-trained and disciplined ninja would have stopped for a break a hours ago.

These two men, however, fought ferociously, clawing for every inch they gained just to have it snatched away when the other came back faster and harder than before. The match had turned into a stalemate but neither opponent would give up and admit that they were too evenly matched to continue.

Instead, somewhere between dodging and punching and executing complicated, acrobatic moves, Naruto ended up under Sasuke. Although the pale man had him pinned, for now, the game wasn't over. Naruto used what little freedom of movement he had to surge upward and bite Sasuke's bottom lip, being sure to draw blood.

Sasuke snarled and crushed his lips to Naruto's. He began tearing at the orange jumpsuit the other wore, forgoing the zipper and instead ripping it to shreds. Naruto pushed Sasuke's pants down to his ankles, where the brunette kicked them off. Their kiss continued, more teeth and tongue warring than any actual technique or finesse. More blood had been drawn from both men, the kisses aiming more to harm than pleasure. Sasuke sat up and spit blood to the side before glaring down at Naruto. Naruto glared back, then tightened his legs around Sasuke's waist, managing to flip their positions so Sasuke was on his back.

Naruto moved his mouth to Sasuke's exposed neck and bit roughly, unapologetically, and pulled Sasuke's erection from the slit in the front of his underwear. Naruto shot a bloody grin down at the other, clearly conveying his message: 'I won.'

Then he lined the other man up at his entrance and sank down, groaning at the rough nature of the entry. Sasuke grimaced up at him, eyeing the blond's own erection, bobbing as he began to set a punishing pace. Sasuke bucked his own hips at the same time he gripped the cock in front of him. Sasuke managed to roll them so he was back on top, smirking in triumph. His pale hips worked quickly, keeping the harsh pace the other man had started and matching his strokes to his thrusts. The only sounds in the forest, where only minutes ago the sound of punches and grunts as kicks impacted had reigned, were similar sounds of flesh on flesh as hips met ass steadily and grunts of pleasure.

This kind of sex wasn't really about the pleasure though. It didn't happen often but it wasn't totally unprecedented. This carnal act was sheerly about power. It was more an extension of their sparring than a physical display of their love.

The match had come down to endurance, the victory would go to whoever could hold out the longest. Sasuke gritted his teeth and pushed Naruto's legs back until the smaller man was bent nearly in half and quickened both his strokes and thrusts. Naruto had one hand in Sasuke's dark hair, pulling roughly at the strands, and one hand leaving angry, red scratches marring the pale, perfect skin of his lover's back.

Sasuke pushed all the way in and held there as Naruto arched up toward him. Both men tensed, Naruto pulling Sasuke in for one last brutal kiss as the both came, Naruto spilling between them and Sasuke deep inside Naruto. Sasuke moved his hips again in small, jerky movements as he rode out their highs, before collapsing on the other man. Naruto tolerated his weight for a moment before shoving him to the side. They both stared up at the branches overhead before being pulled into sleep.

They had tied. Again.

3. Kinky

Naruto had just sat down at his desk in the hokage office when he saw a single sheet of paper on his desk. He picked it up and unfolded it.

He began to read it:

i Naruto-

Saw you this morning, in the shower, jerking yourself off. No invite for me? Too bad. You were a bad boy Naru-chan. Now I have to punish you.

Imagine this: I come into your office and order you to suck me off. To start. But I know you, baby, you like sucking cock, you get off on it, don't you? The moment you start to touch yourself, I'll pull you off my dick, and walk you back to your desk chair. I push you down so you're straddling it backwards, giving me a nice view of your pretty little hole. I tie your wrists to the armrests and take my time opening you up, licking around the rim before pushing my tongue inside, then sliding a finger or two in alongside it.

You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? I think so. Too much, I think, I might have to put a ring around your pretty cock just in case. Then I'd slide your favorite dildo inside you so you're kept nice and full.

Then I'd blindfold you and and leave you there, waiting, anticipating my return. Maybe I'll be gone for a few minute or maybe I'll leave you their for a few hours. Don't worry, baby, I'll be back. I'll always come back, how could I not re-visit such a pretty sight, you whimpering and squirming as the dildo vibrates in your ass, but you can't come or touch yourself, only cry out, beg for release.

I'll come back and pull that toy right out of you, but you won't even have a chance to miss it, I'll slide right inside, you'll be so open and ready for me. I'll take my time, fuck you nice and slow. I'll come once to take the edge off. And I'll keep going until I get close again, this time I'll pull that cock ring off so you can come for me, screaming my name. You'll come harder than you ever have, all for me.

-Sasuke

P.S. Turn around.

/i

4. Fun

Naruto giggles as Sasuke lifts him up and tosses him onto their bed. Naruto bounces when he hits it and then Sasuke pounces on top of him. Sasuke grips his hips, and presses his mouth to Naruto's, his tongue dipping into the blond's mouth to tangle with his tongue.

They're a little tipsy, having just left the bar where they had spent most of the evening. They're nowhere near drunk, just young, happy and horny. Mostly horny, if Sasuke's straining erection is any indicator. Their legs tangle together, they meet for another kiss. Naruto's hands fumble with Sasuke's zipper for a moment before pushing the jeans he had been wearing off his hips. Naruto's own pants meet a similar fate, and their boxers follow soon after. Naruto tries to move up the bed, but the pants at his ankles catch on Sasuke's. He pulls harder, and they crash to the floor. Naruto laughs and laughs and laughs and Sasuke takes care of the offending garments. He chuckles and swoops back down for a victory kiss at having successfully gotten rid of their jeans and boxers.

They don't bother with their shirts, Sasuke simply pushed Naruto's up under his arms to play with his nipples before moving his hands down to wrap around both of their cocks. Naruto gasps out a moan into Sasuke's shoulder. He buries his hands in Sasuke's hair, dragging him down for a long kiss. When they come, their giddy attitudes become more subdued as they both fall into a sleepy, sated state. Naruto doesn't mind that Sasuke is kind of crushing him and simply wraps his arms around his lover and they both drift off, riding the afterglow.


	24. How To: Procrastinate

How To: Procrastinate

1

"How did you forget about this?" Sasuke asked Naruto from the bed. Naruto was hurriedly pulling on his pants and brushing his teeth at the same time. He had forgotten that he had a meeting with the town council this morning.

"I didn't forget," Naruto said, muffled by the shirt he was struggling into, "I just momentarily misplaced the thought."

"That's what forgetting _is_, Naruto."

"Shut up bastard."

"Well have fun, I have the day off so I'll probably still be asleep when you get home," Sasuke smirked from the middle of the bed, "Try not to wake me up when you come in."

"I said shut up—hey, don't you have to meet with your team this morning?" Naruto asked Sasuke.

Sasuke glanced at the clock and, realizing he _was _supposed to meeting his team, cursed before he hurled himself out of the bed and into the bathroom. Naruto laughed.

"Did you forget something, bastard?"

Sasuke poked his head around the bathroom door, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and said, "No I just momentarily misplaced the thought."

"But Sasuke, that's what forgetting _is_," Naruto said innocently.

Naruto dodged the wet towel that Sasuke chucked at him, laughing hysterically.

2

"Naruto," Konohamaru sing-songed, "You wouldn't happen to have your mission reports, now would you?"

Naruto looked at the chuunin who was currently working in the mission reports office. He scratched at the back of his neck and he considered the other man.

"From the last mission?" Naruto asked. Konohamaru nodded. "Um, well, Sasuke said he was bringing it in yesterday. You should ask him."

"Hm," Konohamaru said, squinting at Naruto, "I will."

"See you later," Naruto said, hurriedly exiting the office.

Later that day, Konohamaru ran into Sasuke while heading to Ichiraku for lunch.

"Hey, do you have to mission report?" Konohamaru was satisfied by the sight widening of the Uchiha's eyes.

Sasuke's nonchalant mask only broke for a moment before falling seamlessly back into place. This time, there was an edge of disdain to the look he gave the chuunin.

"Naruto has it," Sasuke answered in monotone.

"Funny, he said the same thing about you this morning," Konohamaru said suspiciously.

"He's an idiot. He probably forgot," Sasuke sneered, "I'm leaving now."

Konohamaru yelled after him, "You or your boyfriend better have that report on my desk by tomorrow!"

Sasuke gave no indication that he had even heard the younger man.

:::

Back his and Naruto's shared apartment, Sasuke fell onto the couch next to the other man.

"I saw Konohamaru on the way back," Sasuke said, shoving the bag containing the ramen into Naruto's hands.

Naruto gave a little moan as he inhaled the scent emanating from the bag, "What'd he have to say?"

"He asked about the late report," Sasuke said, putting an arm around Naruto who had already started shoveling the ramen into his mouth.

"Oh? And what did you tell him?"

"Nothing," Sasuke answered honestly, "But I did say that you had it."

"Why? I just got him off my back this morning," Naruto whined around a mouthful of noodles, "You handle him for once."

"If you the reports on time in the first place, neither of us would have to deal with him," Sasuke reminded him.

"You could do reports. Why is it my responsibility?" Naruto asked.

"Why are you complaining? You don't do them now." Sasuke deflected.

"But why should I do them at all?" Naruto said. "I'm not doing them anymore. I officially bestow the honor upon you Uchiha."

"God damn it." Sasuke groaned, before grabbing the blank report from the table in front of them

Naruto grinned, "Have fun, lover."

3

"Have you thought about what you're getting Kakasi yet?" Sakura asked her former teammates.

Naruto pulled away from Sasuke's lips to answer his. Sasuke _definitely did not pout_ and contented himself with turning Naruto's neck into a chew toy.

"His birthday isn't for two weeks Sakura-chan," Naruto stated,

"But he's so hard to shop for, Naruto. You should start thinking about it now," Sakura said, "Oh, damn, I need to go."

"See you tomorrow Sakura," Naruto said. She waved and exited the restaurant. Naruto turned back to Sasuke, "Where were we?"

:::

"Hello?" Naruto answered the phone breathlessly.

"Hey Naruto. I just want to see what you got Kakashi for his birthday. To make sure we didn't get the same thing. I ordered him a new weapon set," Iruka said. He was answered by a moan. "Uh, Naruto?"

"We haven't gotten him anything yet, but no new weapons, got it." Naruto said. There was a giggle and then another moan from the background.

"Are you busy? I can call back," Iruka laughed nervously.

"Naruto's a bit tied up. He'll have to call you back," Sasuke said in a rough voice.

Iruka stared at the phone, blushing furiously.

:::

"Shit Sasuke, stop. What day is it?" Naruto said, pushing his lover off of him.

"Friday," Sasuke mumbled against Naruto's hip.

Naruto jumped out of bed.

"Shit, shit, Sasuke it's Friday," Naruto exclaimed.

"I know I just—" Sasuke broke off, his eyes widening. He jumped up to get dressed too.

"How the hell did we forget Kakashi's birthday?" Naruto asked.

"Did you at least figure out what we're getting him?" Sasuke asked, handing Naruto his toothbrush, his own in hand.

"I'm open to suggestions," Naruto said.

They looked at each other before say simultaneously, "Fuck it, let's just get him porn."

4

"Hurry up Sasuke," Naruto whined, struggling against the leather straps binding him to the bed.

"Hush, Naru-chan," Sasuke said. He trailed his fingers and tongue over various parts of Naruto's body, pointed ignoring his empty ass and rigid cock.

Sasuke took in Naruto's flushed face and chest, "You look so pretty like this. All red and panting. Want it that bad, huh?"

Sasuke licked a trail up Naruto's neck while his fingers danced over Naruto's puffy, rosy nipples. Naruto whimpered, his arms straining against the bindings.

"Please Sasuke, touch my cock," Naruto pleaded.

"Not yet, I'm not done playing yet and I don't want to you come before I'm done playing," Sasuke answered.

Sasuke moved to bite at Naruto's nipples. His fingers played around the rim of Naruto's tightly furled hole. He put a small amount of pressure without pushing inside and chuckled when Naruto's hips bucked up violently.

"Don't worry Naruto, I fully intend to fuck your tight little ass," Sasuke reassured the man underneath him. He ground his cock against Naruto's hip pointedly.

"Then get to it already," Naruto glared at his boyfriend.

"Not yet," Sasuke said absently while reaching for the lube.

Naruto groaned in frustration. Sasuke smirked down at him as he carefully lubed a few fingers.

"Soon, Naru-chan," Sasuke soothed as he slipped fingers inside Naruto's heat with no warning.

Naruto screamed.

:::

A/N: What? Two fics in less than 24 hours? And one is an update? Feel free to yell at me for this extremely late update. Hope you enjoyed!


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